Today, things went wrong. I spent much of the day trying to write, and failing. I went to see my best friend; he was in a bad mood. I don’t know how to cheer him up. I’m very, very bad at comforting people. I left wishing I could have my life fall apart instead of him being unhappy. Then I called my sister and came to the realization that my life has already fallen apart. She told me I was just another hustler, and might as well be selling weed, when I started telling her about the business I’ve been trying to work on. We had a conversation about college and chosen majors, and then I told her I had to go before I broke down and started crying and screaming in public, because I was really close to that point. I got home, cried, and then decided that I didn’t care what she thought about the business. I got out my list of contacts, for the first time in a long time, and contacted three people. One hasn’t gotten back to me, one seemed interested so far, and one has been forgetting to give me her information but is probably interested. Then, because I want to do this right, I made myself sit down and watch the informational videos about the product so I can prove what I believe to be the truth about it.
Halfway through, I had a vivid hallucination that I was eating a spider. Eating. A spider. I thought I was eating a spider.

I’ve been on medication for about a month. It’s worked for about a year, prior to this month. It keeps me from hallucinating. It doesn’t make my life happy, but it makes me sane enough to function in life, most of the time. Right now, I am seeing things that are not there, in everyday life. I am seeing stacks of things through doorways when the doorways are empty. I am seeing flashes and darkness when I glance in certain directions. I am hearing things on the edge of perception that don’t make sense. I am having strange dreams that almost aren’t even nightmares, they’re so weird. And then they are again, when they suddenly come pounding down on me halfway through the next day. Morbid, self-destructive thoughts are pounding their way into my mind, relentlessly and constantly and painfully. And I am trying, very, very hard to maintain a positive outlook right now. I swear I am. I don’t want to be an unhappy person, I don’t want to make my friends miserable. But. But, but, this isn’t right. This medication isn’t working anymore. I’m hallucinating, visually and audibly, I’m having nightmares, I’m paranoid as hell, I cannot rely on my own perception and judgment. I’m taking medication. It’s not working. I can’t afford to get another prescription when this one runs out anyway, so… yeah. The main question right now is whether the medicine is keeping things at bay, and they’ll get hugely worse when I run out, or if the medicine is completely ineffectual. I’m terrified of the answer.

This blog was supposed to be about growth and personal… something, I don’t even fucking know. I don’t want to be this person. I’m tired of being crazy. Can I be something else now? Can I be normal? Can I be happy? Okay, fine. I don’t want to be happy anyway. Can my friends be happy? Can you make it so I never existed? I don’t want this. I don’t want this life, I don’t fucking want this life anymore and I can’t stop. I don’t want to live anymore. I was so happy for a few days, even though everything went wrong I was happy, it was like a high. I knew something would make it end. I didn’t know it would be this. I don’t want to be crazy anymore. Fuck. Fuck this. Fuck my mind, and what… I don’t even know. I wish writing this all out would make it okay, could get it out of my mind. I say that if I don’t write, I’ll go insane. Now I am insane, and still writing, and… uh, whatever. th

I don’t want to put this up, where people will see it. Especially not you, being the only person who reads this, and also, by some strange coincidence, the person who I least want to be worrying about me. Don’t. I’m still going to put it up, but don’t worry about it, please. I’ll get past this. I generally do. I’ve been off meds before, and I didn’t die or kill anyone or anything horribly crazy. Not that I remember, anyway, though you might think differently. Anyway.