The other day I was looking back over this blog, and I realized that it is a very strange juxtaposition, between ramblings about friends, whining about life, and complete insanity. Or partial insanity, anyway. I have these moments – moments that last weeks – where I wonder if I’m really insane, if I’m just normal and milking the quirks, if that twitch in my neck is something I could control if I really wanted to (and I know I could, it’s just difficult and requires a lot of concentration), if I’m really insane or just a little weird. It’s not normal to have the sudden desire to leap into traffic, every time you walk down a busy street; it’s not normal to go wandering the streets at night, because you get restless; it’s not normal to think or act or speak the way I do. But I wonder, I wonder if I’m really insane or just a little odd. My friends… well, I don’t know.
I have to remind myself every so often that the hallucinations were there. I have to remind myself that there have been times when I’ve broken into a run on the street, unable to look back because there was Something there behind me. I have to remind myself that hearing cats behind me all the time when there are, in fact, no cats in the vicinity, is insane. I have to try and remember that it’s not just abnormal to always be warding off suspicions that your friends are spying on you, it’s paranoia. Insanity. I have paranoid schizophrenia, and I need to remember that just because I have good days, just because it’s a mild thing right now, doesn’t mean it’s not there.
The worst thing might actually be the periods of depression that come along. I have to remember that this is a symptom of the illness, and to fight it. Lying in bed without the motivation to get up is not just being lazy, it’s allowing myself to be that way. I have to fight to find the inspiration to write, and draw, and think, and not just lay about, which I’m afraid that I’ll do without the push, inner or outer. I still remember my mother holing up in her room for days, not eating or talking to any of us, just laying around praying and crying, and she had five kids and it didn’t matter because she couldn’t see past the haze. I have a life to live – I have a job, two jobs now if this works out, and stories to write, and school to go to, even if it is community. I can’t afford to let the haze of insanity hold me down here.
And, on that note, I’m off to my first day!
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment