It made sense in my head.

Good grief, is it really necessary to psycho-analyze every damn quirk in this twisted little brain? Because it's getting annoying. And a little disturbing. Things don't look right when you look at them closely.

I know I have some weird kind of approval complex. It probably, if I look for the most sensible (if Freudian) reason, is because:
-growing up with the idea of striving for unattainable perfection as the only way to live
-a lack of obvious pride/support of any kind from my father, for the most part
-a deep feeling of self-loathing, traceable to any number of sources
-impossible standards because... ? that one doesn't trace either...

Baaaasically, when there's someone I respect, I go way the hell out of my way to be... whatever the hell my brain has decided I'm supposed to be. And then when I (predictably) fail in the juiced-to-the-maxcore insane standards I've set for myself in that ...role, or whatever you want to call it, I go apeshit on my own brain, and go into full-on self-loathing/abuse/destructive mode. It's kind of a bad thing. I'm getting better at managing it (read: I'm getting better at hiding the evidence and shoving it the hell out of my conscious mind), but it's obviously been very blatant in the past, because it's led certain friends/bosses to be wary of telling me I've screwed up, because they're afraid FOR SOME STRANGE REASON that I'll take it way too hard and OH MY GOODNESS beat up on myself about it. Sigh. Which leads me, or at least my more rational parts, to be all "What is this about? Tell me what I screwed up, so I can... not screw it up next time! It is not a hard concept my friend! I am not a fragile butterfly! I am Coyote and my medicine is stronger than yours! and I can -take- it!" The bit I don't mention, often even to myself, is that I will feel like shit about it, but the honest truth is that if you don't give me a reason to feel like shit? MY BRAIN WILL MAKE ONE UP. I'd rather beat myself up about something that actually happened, which will lead to actual self-improvement in the long term (Don't argue, it will), than to beat myself up about things that aren't even real, and wind up depressed over nothing. t'ain't worth it.

Anyway, it leads to situations like this.
Me: *screws something up*
Other Person: Dude! What the fuck?
Me: Ohshitohshitohshit!
Other Person: ...relax, no big deal.
(some time past)
Me: *screws something up*
Other Person: *makes some odd and vaguely disparaging joke about it*
(rinse and repeat for about three hours)
Exit Other Person
Me: *angrygrumblemutter* Jerkfacealwaysalldownonmeyowhatthefuck*
Subconscious: Except that, hey, cares about you, right? Wants you to be a better person? Only has good intentions and would never jerk you around for no reason?
Me: *grumblemutter* Yeah, but knows I take shit too seriously.
Second-conscious: Except that you keep saying all "I'm not a fragile butterfly, I can take it, stop treating me like a puppy or something," so you have nothing to complain about. Either face up to the fact that you are apparently too thin-skinned to handle even the most gentle, joking of criticisms, or stop fucking whining about it and fix your fucking mistakes so there's no problem.

Of course, if I hadn't been such an idiot this morning, early morning, most of this could've been avoided.

Fuckin' coyotes. We never know when to quit.

Besides, the music made everything worth it, and I mean Everything.