So after a long talk with a friend, and then a long night playing guitar and talking to another friend, I thought of something, in response to/answer to this exchange:
["Alright, we have six minutes to fix your life."
"I think I'm unfixable."
"Bullshit. That's a cop-out."]

What if.

Maybe it is a cop-out. Maybe I want the answer to be "You're fucking diseased, give up and kill yourself before you kill someone else," becuase that means I don't have to try anymore. If I'm so far gone that I can't come back, if I'm a lost cause, it means I don't have to keep pushing, pushing, trying. Trying to change, trying to make myself normal, trying to make myself sane, trying to make myself happy, trying to be the person everyone wants me to be.

...they are still trying to change themselves to someone normal, someone healthy, someone they deem worthy of love.

I want to stop trying. I want to give up, I want to stop giving a damn, I don't fucking deserve happiness and it hurts to keep trying. Maybe everyone does want to be happy, safe, secure. I am not everyone, and although I do want to be happy, oh God do I want to be happy, I am tired of laughing. It hurts. I want to cry. I want to cry and I can't, that part of me is sealed off and whenever I come close to allowing myself some vestiges of emotion, some valve kicks in and I start laughing, and whatever connection I had, to another human, to myself, to anything, is abruptly cut short. She was right, those four years past. I am sabotaging myself and I don't know why and I can't stop and I don't know how and I don't know know don't know don't know fucking anything.

Yeah, so I'm a fucking quitter. What I don't understand is why they won't give up. They want me to be happy so bad that it's not okay to be sad anymore, because I can't even allow myself to be miserable because I'm not just a fucking quitter, I'm a fucking disappointment. I want to be happy not even for myself anymore. I want to be happy because because because it's what I'm supposed to be. I'm sorry. I don't know. I don't know anything. I'm sorry.