It’s pretty cold in my room; cold enough to make it significantly harder to type. I should, by all rights, be at the DMV right now, standing in line. I screwed up a la priorities again, and decided to wait on going out of town to get my license test because there was a chance I’d be needed for work. Part of this is because, yes, I need more hours. But part of it is because I have this idea that if I make myself really available, then when full time hours are available, it’ll make sense to put me in that spot. Selfish? Yeah, probably. But I think at some point it kind of becomes necessary to think of yourself.

Which is actually funny to see typed by myself, who has been barely even bothering to battle (like the alliteration? yeaaaah) with the voices lately on the point that I am a worthless waste of space. I don’t even know how to respond. Part of it is that this is coming from inside of me, it’s a thought that I had, so how do I respond to it? I can rationalize and enforce logic and reason and thought all day and night, but that doesn’t lessen the iron conviction of the thing. How do you reason like that? It’s like trying to rationalize a dream. Doesn’t work. (People run over with a giant tractor on a game board made of fallow land would not be thrown into pieces, like wood chips, they would ooze from underneath. But that is hardly the strangest thing out of that dream. Maybe I should start putting together a dream catcher.)

Anyway. This year I’m participating in NaNoWriMo, trying to write a novel of 50,000 words in thirty days. So far, it sucks. The novel, I mean, not the competition itself. It feels good to be writing again, I’ll admit that. But the book? Ugh. I kind of want to burn it and start over. I’m being just nitpicky enough to slow myself down and stay under the limit, and just careless enough to write complete and utter shit.

But at least it’s writing. And maybe, just maybe, if I get all the shit out of my system, when the month is over and I go to write something actually worth writing, it’ll come out better.