Again, on love, and life, and indifference.

indifference, numbness, cold. things i want, desire, need. since the first day desire touched the heart of a man, since the first night a woman suffered dreams, since the first emotion in the first moment of the world, it has been as much a harm as a help, if not moreso. more, actually, definitely. Indifference is a wall, a shield, an insulator that we need so much, that never comes when we need it most; indifference is a thing that changes us, takes our most human parts and cloaks or steals or destroys them. unfair, perhaps, but true, nonetheless.

i do not want to be human, today. i do not want to love, i do not want to hurt.

there are times, when in despair or jest, i tell those i trust of my most beloved, terrifying dream, in sleep or awake. but, despite it all, i am human, whether i will or no.

And I feel, and love, and hurt. And I am powerless to stop that. I am powerless to deny platonic love, the empathetic pain that comes with it; I am powerless to deny romantic love, and all the desire and pain that comes with that; I am powerless to hold back emotion for my family, as much as that hurts me. As many times as friends may hurt me with a careless, or aimed, jest, as many times as I am betrayed, as many disagreements as we may have, I will love them. As many times as I am denied, or lied to, or used, I will fall in love, stupidly, helplessly, repeatedly. As many times as my family hurts me, denies me, turns from me, steals from me, lies to me, I will love them. Each and every one of them. Forever. And my God, it fucking hurts. Because love doesn't always mean turning the other cheek, especially when more than one life is at stake. Love doesn't always mean gentle kindness. So I'm not sorry. I'm sorry for the events that led up to this, and I'm sorry that it had to happen, and I'm sorry for the pain. But, it was not my decision, and, that aside, I would stand by it.

Friends that I grew up with, and friends I made later, might notice with disapproval that Agape I have left out of the above. And Charity. Both of those are as true, and as painful, in a way-- Charity, I have had less reason to fear; I suspect that I'm not doing it right. Agape? Painful. More personal, less for and to other people. Agape is a private thing, I think, especially for one without a church. I love God. It's true. I think, sometimes, that I have been given ample reason not to. But, nevertheless.